Thinking thinking always thinking

It’s strange. About getting married, I mean. I’m realizing more and more that it’s not necessarily planning for the day of the wedding that has got me so stressed out. It’s not even the fact that I’m about to live with a man who may or may not have some pretty stinky flip flops that is making me question some things.

I’ve done some hard thinking the last few days to try and find the root of what is throwing me into this funk. And I think (through some prayer and insight) that what it comes down to is some trust issues. Ah, not with Mike. Maybe I should clarify: there will be no dialogue or analyzing of our relationship on this blog. That’s for us to deal with in our relationship and with our close friends.

Where I’m struggling is all on me. Because I’m not just trusting God for my wellbeing anymore. I am daily having to submit to God’s authority and believe that his will and purpose are both good and perfect in my life as well as Mike’s. And it’s hard. I can withstand so many things to happen in my life – I can deal with them, submit them before the Lord, trust that there’s a lesson I need to learn and keep going – continue walking one step at a time knowing that He is good, that his provision is perfect. It’s much, much harder to loose  control over something involving someone else as well (not that I ever really had control – but I can sometimes delude myself into thinking I do). Now it’s knowing that whatever happens to Mike happens to me. Wherever he goes I go. And I like that part. But I worry. I keep playing the “what if?” game and I’d really like to stop because, is it fun? Hell no. I don’t like to worry and wonder what terrible thing could prematurely take Mike away (heaven help us when we have kids). Mmm…

Hi, my name is Emily and I have control problems.

What I would really like is to learn to surrender the desire for knowledge of the future. Through the course of my life, high’s and low’s, I know God to be giving, just, merciful, bountiful in blessings and rich in love. The discipline is there, of course, because sometimes I’m a little dense, slow to learn and downright disobedient. But I would love to see my trust and faith grow exponentially through this next phase of my life – actually, that’s my prayer for both of us. I’d like to continue living with palms open, allowing for God to give and take away as he sees fit, not only knowing but also believing that His will is good and perfect.

I have to admit I’m terribly tired of being in this funk! Maybe with this insight and clarity comes the dawn of a new day. I don’t know when it started, but I would like to be liberated. I almost think the onset of my sinus infection brought it on. I’m a miserable sick person. I tend to complain about a few things and then it becomes a complaint about everything! Three things I’m thankful for: 1) A loving, thoughtful fiance who is such a blessing to me. 2) Generous friends who go out of their way and challenge me to grow daily. 3) Naps. Seriously. This girl is about to get her nap on and then I”m going to wake up and be a new person and go spend some quality time with some lovely ladies (and maybe some midget strippers. Or so Marianne says. You can never tell if she’s serious or not!)

And for the record (let me push my nerd glasses back on my nose), I so called that Chief was a Cylon! SO called it.


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