So much for going to bed early!
I just had a moment. Remember the last time I had a moment? Well, this was a different moment.
This was a “I’m not going to panic. I won’t have a panic attack…This is not a panic attack…I am going to stop panicking. Right. Now. Stop it” kind of moment.
On the rare occasions I allow my mind to wander into the darkness that seems to be my future, I tend to freak out. For so long I have been thinking, “Don’t think about your future. Graduation is far away. So far. Focus on school. You’ll be in school forever.”
Friends, graduation is a mere five months away. I have been in school for ages now (only six years) and it is shocking to realize that the end is near. Perhaps it’s time to start thinking of what the future is going to look like. Perhaps I should make a list, scour the internet for job ideas, something!
But I have no ideas. I have no idea where to start. I have no aspirations to climb any ladders. I think I would very well die working a typical desk job. I’ve had two very different desk jobs, and I think I did suffer and lose a little part of my soul at each. Not saying there is anything wrong with desk jobs. There are different jobs for different people. I respect those who can sit it out at a desk under those God-awful, migraine inducing florescent lights . I happen to believe that I am not one of them.
But I still have no ideas. And call me crazy, but I don’t feel like I should start searching the internet looking for a career any time soon. In truth, I feel like doing that would be disobedient. I have been praying for growth and peace and asking for the joy of the Lord to find me wherever I am. I keep asking that God would reveal his plan for my life in his timing and in his way , and if he could not wait around until the 11th hour, that would be splendid. Mostly, I have been praying that God would help me to live with child-like faith. I have experienced several moments of joy in the last few weeks (when I say moments I mean entire days); and Blogland, if you have not experienced the freedom of living in complete joy, let’s talk. I think I’ve seen growth in recent months and days, and I’ve found a peace in not knowing or understanding what in the world will become of my life. I have seen the results of praying for others with child-like faith that God can do anything, especially when I don’t see any possibilities of success.
But I still have no ideas what will become of me next year. I’m not sure if I’ve ever shared this, but when I was about 8 or 9, I had a project that was designed to make us imagine what our life would be like in ten years. I remember crying about this project because I could not imagine what I would look like or be doing ten years from that moment. I struggled with it so much that I came to the conclusion that I must not live past the age of 18. Isn’t that crazy? I just couldn’t imagine myself older. So I lied on my project and said that I would be doing something boring, I can’t remember what, and I felt so guilty. I carried that idea with me for years though until I eventually forgot. But then on my 18th birthday I remember being shocked that I had made it. I was so happy and a little disbelieving that as an eight year old I was incapable of seeing what my life could have been. It was just so overwhelming to imagine a life that I knew nothing about and the natural conclusion was that I wouldn’t be around.
Anyway, here is the real moment I just had. I will probably never know what my life will be like. I can’t imagine my life a month, six months, five years from now, because it’s not my life. Whew, let me pause for a moment and digest that. If I am what I say I am, and live the way I’m called to live, my life is out of my hands. If I trust God the way that I say that I do, and the way that I wish I did, I don’t need to have plans or ideas. I’ve got one that I will hold on to: it belongs to God.
Not that I’m devoid of desires or wishes. I think God has placed those specific things in my heart for a reason. And it’s my hope that one day he will see fit to fulfill them. Until that day, I will continue to try and delight myself in the Lord: his blessings, his grace, his character, his strength and on & on.
I hate writing or talking about something like this. It inevitably means that I will not live up to it and will find the proverbial egg on my face. But I believe in grace. And I’ve felt God’s unconditional love in the moments when I absolutely did not deserve to be loved. And I do believe that I will see God move through my imperfections and I look forward to seeing his plan revealed.
And five months from now, if I call one of you, completely losing my head because I’m graduating and haven’t secured a job, will you please re-direct me to this moment? I can almost guarantee you that I will lose sight of the bigger picture and begin the death spiral of hyper-ventilation, panic, and busyness. Will you please tell me to shut up, slow down and pray? And in advance, thank you. =)