It is well with my soul

I just had a moment. This exact time last year was a Tuesday/Wednesday. And this moment exactly 365 days ago I was lying in a hospital bed praying and pleading with God that if this was going to be the end of my life that he would just take me and not make it drag out any longer because I was done. The phrase I used was “I’m finished fighting.” I remember beginning to cry and wishing that someone would wipe the tears off my face because my joints were arthritic and swollen and my body was toxic and I couldn’t raise my arm to do it myself. I remember thinking, “God, truly your will be done because I don’t know what else to do,” and that was the last coherent thought I had for the next 3 days. It was a Tuesday. And the next twelve Tuesdays after were all some of the worst Tuesdays of my life.

But God showed me that He is faithful. And God showed me that His hand is not too short to deliver. And God showed me that his will is good. And it is pleasing. And it is perfect.

And I cried a lot. And I was angry for a little while. And I just plain did not understand.

But God showed me through my brokenness that His provision was perfect.

And even though I felt like the world was moving on while I was frozen {literally, with swollen shoulders and no range of motion; and the pain in my back so intense that I could not get out of bed by myself, wash my hair, face, hands, or eat by myself},

God showed me that His strength is perfected in weakness.

And His love is abounding. His timing? Flawless.

I have night-horrors every now and again where the memories of pain and frustration are so real that I wake up crying. Sometimes the fear is so strong that my mind recreates it and my back will begin to tremble with spasms. I fear it. In the last 365 days there is not a single one I can remember where I did not remember the last year.

But then I have a moment, and God just says, “Beloved, Who am I? Did I not carry you through that? Did I not fulfill my promises? Did I forsake you though you doubted me? It was My hand. It was My will. I am. I will always be.”

And then I remember. And I can lay down the burden and the fear. I can walk by faith because it was He who taught me. Is it appropriate to raise an Ebenezer here? Let me declare, “Look what God has done. God and none other.”

None other.


4 thoughts on “It is well with my soul

  1. Michaela Rose says:

    AMEN!God is so great!I’m so thankful that he carried you through that time when no one else could.I wish you could have gone to Beth Moore this semester, it was all about how we need to claim our pasts as our inheritance. They are what make us who we are and God will use every moment and struggle for his glory and will. You did not go through that for nothing. Love you and I’m so glad that you are better now! I’m thankful for you every day!

  2. Lauren says:

    Oh Emily. This post is so glorifying to God. Thank you for turning my gaze to God. I immediately thought about this illustration John Piper gave at the conference I went to in Austin…it’s about 1 minute long.I think what he describes here is exactly what is happening in response to your post, your life, your faith.

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